archive: The V word
The V word
Shobha De
The Indian Express
July 4, 1999
Title: The V word
Author: Shobha De
Publication: The Indian Express
Date: July 4, 1999
Unlink Sonia Gandhi who repeatedly uses that ugly, outdated,
unnecessary word Vidhwa, I refuse to insult all the unfortunate women
of our country who've lost their husbands, by putting them into that
awful slot. It's an insult to their dignity. And it astonishes me
that "madam" doesn't think so. Each time she tries to get our tear
ducts activated by drawing our attention to her tragic marital status,
she in fact, succeeds in dragging thousands of women down with her.
If madam has chosen to make capital out of her tragedy and milk it dry
for its potential as a vote trap that's her prerogative. I abhor her
method but there it is. The question to ask is simply this. What,
madam, are you doing for the upliftment of other vidhwas in our
country? Do you have any specific programmes for them? If you do,
please enlighten us. And them. And if you don't, then refrain from
capitalising on the sad situation.
It mocks the plight of other women who do not lead your life of
comfort and privilege. If only all the maas, bahus, and yes, vidhwas
of India led as cushioned and luxurious a life as yours, we wouldn't
need further legislation. For centuries, Indian women in your
situation have struggled to lead their lives with dignity. In extreme
cases, they've preferred to commit sati rather than endure a wretched
existence as social outcastes. Even today, things aren't all that
different for most such individuals.
Their options (limited to begin with) shrink to nothingness after
their husbands are no more, particularly if they're uneducated and
therefore helpless. Unwanted by their own family, regarded as
"inauspicious" by their husband's and finally rejected by the
community at large, these women withdraw almost entirely from public
gaze, waiting for death to release them. One only has to see the
miserable widows of Varanasi to understand the depth of their
deprivation.
In my own family, I have witnessed with horror, assorted forms of
discrimination directed against a woman who lost her husband to
diphtheria when she was barely out of her teens. Today, at close to
eighty, she is seen as nothing more than a tiresome burden, even by
her own son. Nobody wants her. Nobody values her. She carries on
living because death has refused to claim her. And we are talking of
any urban educated family here.
Each time you refer to yourself as a Vidhwa you set the clock back by
a few decades. You reinforce the stereotype. You make people feel
sorry for you. And that madam is the worst sort of manipulation. You
talk of all the "Sacrifices" made by your husband and his mother. I'm
sorry if this sounds cold and harsh, these sort of "sacrifices" go
with any high-risk job. Your late husband opted for politics. As did
you late mother-in-law. They chose their own paths. Their own
destiny. Nobody forced them into politics. That goes for you, too.
When we Indians talk about "sacrifices", we mean real sacrifice.
Yes, Sq. Leader Ajay Ahuja sacrificed his young life in the line of
duty at Kargil leaving behind an even younger wife Alka, and a little
son. Do You know what this brave lady's words were at her husband's
funeral? She said "I am proud of you." To us, madam, Alka is a
heroine. Heaven help her as she struggles to come to terms with her
tragedy and get on with her life. India salutes this daughter of the
soil for her courage. And all of us who care about this sensitive
issue, will help her to get back on her feet and carry on with her
head held high.
India has had outstanding social reformers in the past, giants like
Raja Ram Mohan Roy and Maharishi Karve, who worked tirelessly to
change social attitudes, to remove prejudice. To restore a sense of
identity and self-respect to women whom society refused to accommodate
without a husband by their side. Nobody can undermine the tragedies
that have overtaken your life. Nor can anybody question your
dignified conduct for all those lonely years you spent in seclusion
after Rajiv's assassination.
It is your present avatar that's unpalatable. The one that talks in
shrill, melodramatic tones and keeps harping on the past. This is an
appeal to you as a thinking 6 modern-day woman. Do not undo what has
taken our women centuries to achieve. Your one point programme to
grab votes is your business. But the rout you are taking is
potentially dangerous, particularly in a country where the electorate
in a country where the electorate is practically illiterate. But
manipulating out villagers you are doing enormous harm to the fragile
social fabric of this nation. These poor women look up to you. They
seek encouragement and hope from your words. What you say, affects
their lives which why you should be far more responsible and sensitive
to Indian sensibilities and conditions. And stop using the "V" word.
Because it isn't fair. It isn't cricket. It isn't even politics. It
sucks.
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