Author:
Publication: Opindia.com
Date: February 13, 2016
URL:   http://www.opindia.com/2016/02/satire-the-various-ploys-of-defending-jnu-anti-nationals/

First and foremost, congrats to the brave people who shouted slogans like “Bharat ki barbaadi”, “Pakistan Zindabad” “Kerala mange aazadi”, “Shaheed Afzal Guru”, “India Occupied Kashmir” etc. You have said what we say in veiled terms through our various media houses, through our unbiased op-eds, through our suitably fixed TV debates. Kudos to you to show such valour in the face of an Emergency like situation in India.

Now that you have said those things which are clearly seditious in nature, we must save your sorry assess from being hauled into the prisons across Delhi. For this, no one stratagem will suffice. We will have to use a heady cocktail of subterfuge, obfuscation of facts, shifting of goal-posts, and sometimes brazen lies. Hence, I put down some of the possible solutions to the quandary you are in. Feel free to judiciously utilise the following means as long as they serve the greater cause:

1. We said it, it is Free Speech

We have to claim that whatever we have spoken, falls within the parameters of free speech. At this point we feign ignorance of all constitutional provisions which impose reasonable restrictions on free speech. For now, free speech is absolute. We can say whatever we want, incite hatred among people, communities, religions. Condemning own country to destruction will also be free speech. BUT be careful of some Bhaktas who will raise issues like “What about Kamlesh Tiwari’s right to free speech”. It is a well-established principle that only we Left liberals are entitled to free speech and not some churlish Bhaktas. Free Speech is like my Uncle’s car, only I can borrow it because he is my uncle, not your uncle.

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Sagarika Ghose @sagarikaghose
Anyone who needs to know what free speech is look up Article 19 of Constitution. Free speech does not mean you can say what you want!
11:44 PM - 23 Aug 2012
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Sagarika Ghose @sagarikaghose
Universities are places where all ideas should have full freedom. Don't shut down any isea!
The free mind is key to a free society. !
10:42 AM - 12 Feb
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2. We didn’t say it

After claiming that, yes we said it, it was part of Free Speech, now we must say “Oh no we did not say it”. We must now don the hat of innocent bystanders who were pushed into a crowd which was already vociferously shouting anti-India slogans. We didn’t do it. We were just there.

An easier outlet would be each of us blaming the other group for this. Luckily we have so many Leftist Commie students groups like AISA, SFI, DSU, JNUSU, SIMI, LeT, FUCKYOUINDIA, we can always pass on the buck to some other group. Example in a TV debate, an AISA member will say “SFI did it”. On the next whore-house TV channel, SFI will say “DSU did it”. So on and so forth.

The best case scenario would be saying that the people who did it were not even JNU students. So what if the posters of the event were there for weeks. So what if videos show the students shouting Commie JNU slogans. All we must keep on saying is, some lumpen elements from outside the JNU came to JNU and did this.

3. You said it

Here we have to summon our respective IT cells and make them edit, cut, paste videos and also use some creative imagination to claim that actually ABVP said it. For example place the anti-India audio over some ABVP Bhaktas video. Or claim someone with his back to the camera wearing a pink shirt is the same guy as an ABVP protester wearing the same pink shirt after 2 days. Because ABVP guys are foolish to wear the same clothes and they have only 1 pair of clothes and no-one in the entire world has the same type of clothes. Or show a video showing some ABVP Bhaktas protesting against our guys, and then mute the audio and say, look, even ABVP people were present. Simple.

Remember, we had almost convinced the world that 26/11 was a plot by RSS (until this Bhakta Headley came around). Convincing people that ABVP did it is easy-peasy

4. Let JNU administration take care of it

Here we must say, hey cops, this crime happened on JNU premises, so JNU administration will give apt punishment, like suspension for 3 days, or 5 marks cut from next examination etc. Right now we must try to portray as if University campuses are exempt from the law of the land. After all, we did hush-up a sexual harassment case involving a JNU faculty didn’t we? No cop was allowed to even touch our faculty.

Yes there is an inherent contradiction here when we say that the people who did it were not even JNU students and at the same time we promise action against the guilty students but such small facts need to be obfuscated by appropriate measures.

5. They are just students

Finally, it comes down to this. Ignore the parts where we said it wasn’t us and it was you. Now we are saying, yes it was us, but we are just students. Students naturally have sympathy. Or at least we know how to create sympathy. Even Shaheed Ishrat Jahan was a student, and we all know how innocent she was. Students are innocent. Period.
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Arvind Kejriwal @arvindkejriwal
No one suports anti-national forces. But targetting innocent students using that as an excuse will prove v costly to Modi govt
9:51 PM - 12 Feb 2016
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6. They are poor people

Yes. Yes. We have to make this argument, there is absolutely no shame in this. Just plain say it: JNU students have come from poor background so it is wrong to vilify them. Poor people should be allowed to do anything, wage war against the country, plant bombs, anything. This “poor” angle can be extended to caste, religion, region whatever. In fact I think this could be a good defence of Jungle Raj in Bihar as well: “Poor, Lower caste criminals, why are cops arresting them”

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India in Emergency @IdeaolEmergency
Modi is son of tea-seller father & maid servant mother. But we will falsely haunt him for his entire life
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Mihir Sharma @mihirssharma
Arrested JNUSU president is son of an anganwadi worker and a paralysed farmer. Well done, Modi Sarkar abplive.in/india-news/arr...

Arrested JNU Leader kanhaiya's father is A Paralysed Far...
Arrested JNU leader kanhaiya's father is a paralysed farmaer. mother who earms just Rs 4000 says son not anti-national
abplive.in
1:59 PM - 13 Feb 2016
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7. Political vendetta

Yes the chants were anti-India, were not against any party or Government or person. But still we must claim this is political vendetta. The line should be “JNU students attacked BJP so BJP is playing vendetta politics”. If anyone points out the obvious logical fallacy that no-one attacked BJP you call him Bhakta and move on.
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Office of RG @ OfficeOfRG- 13h
Modi Govt & ABVP bullying an institution like JNU simply because it won't toe their line is completely condemnable (2/2)
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8. What About

The easiest of the lot. What About. One can go on and on and on. What about some random Hindu group saying Godse is great? What about that pig which is wallowing in the mud and thus dirtying “mere desh ki dharti”? What about 2002? Keep going…..
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Maya Mirchandani @maya206
Qn: Isn't commemorating Nathuram Godse death anniv seditious ?
huffingtonpost.in/2015/11/16/god... via @HuffPostIndia
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