Author: Aravindan Neelakandan
Publication: Centreright.in
Date: January 10, 2013
URL: http://centreright.in/2013/01/lal-salaam-comrade-editor/#.UO9MG29X1WZ

Dear Mr.Editor,

Your newspaper is now at the forefront of the secular crusade of ‘taking the aggression out of masculinity’. This is really a worthwhile cause. Your newspaper has been doing a wonderful work in this direction by identifying the elements of aggressive masculinity lurking behind the corners of that dark mansion called Indian culture, in which we are destined to live.

Ever since comrade N.Ram started his ascendancy in the house of ‘The Hindu’, your media group has been carrying this enlightened Marxist Jihad. The US educated Marxist media baron’s burden of educating us, the illiterate uncultured native heathens in the mysteries and magnificence of Marxism, is really having telling effects. Thanks to the relentless efforts of your newspaper, at last we who languished in the darkness and tyranny of Indian culture, have had our eyes opened. Now we are able to perceive the dangers of aggressive masculinity in places we never suspected before and we feel the urge to exorcise this dangerous social attitude that leads to crimes against women, from each and every place where we encounter it.

In this context we, the readers, are quite sure that you as an editor should also have perceived, with even a more painful heart what we have perceived – namely the aggressive signs of masculinity in the very banner of your newspaper itself. After all, the word ‘Hindu’ is in itself an aggressive, masculine word with militant connotations. The very sound of the word ‘Hindu’ goes against the spirit of the mission of ‘taking away the aggression out of masculinity’. So may we the loyal readers of your newspaper suggest some steps to detoxify your newspaper of this obnoxious burden of the past?

What we need is now a sustained campaign by various op-ed writers to convince the rest of the readers of your newspaper that the word ‘Hindu’ is the root cause of every crime ever committed on the face of the planet and all miseries of humanity. Towards this end you should employ any of the historians or sociologists from JNU or better still from the ‘South East Asia’ departments of US universities to remind the remaining heathens that the name has foul associations in the past. For example the name is associated with Shivaji of Maharashtra who spoke of creating a Hindavi Swaraj. As everyone knows the pictures of Shivaji show him with a beard – clearly a sign of aggressive masculinity. Now some infidel Hindus may point out that even Marx and Lenin had beards. Such infidels should be blasted with a scholarly article from our very own Rita Skeeter, Vidya Subramaniam, who should disntinguish between aggressively masculine and even Fascist beards of Shivaji, Modi, Golwalkar et al and the enlightened intellectual beards of Marx, Lenin, EVR and of course that eternally young romantic demented cold-blooded killer – no, not Charles Manson but Che Guevara.

After we have done away with Shivaji, we should move on to Gandhi. In the pages of our multi-colour ‘Sunday Magazine’ Stanley Wolpert can be made to do a hatchet job on Gandhi. He can enlighten your readers how subliminally and diabolically masculine Gandhi was. Wolpert can show how though Gandhi hid his crypto-violent attitudes well, still they revealed themselves in the slogan ‘Do or Die’. Of course the core of the article should aim to show how this crypto-violent icon of aggressive masculinity also used a derivative of the word ‘Hindu’ in titling his book ‘Hind Swaraj’. The masculine violent aggressive fangs of Gandhi can be further exposed to the readers by showing how adamantly he said even decades after he wrote ‘Hind Swaraj’, that he would not change a single word in the book. Any sociologist from JNU can vouch for this thesis by establishing a clear correlation between stubbornness and aggressive masculine nature. Given the connection between social attitudes and crimes against women, the fact cannot be denied that Indian nationalist icons like Shivaji, Gandhi are all potential contributory factors to what happened in Delhi and more importantly the word ‘Hindu’ itself can be seen as a contributory factor to crimes against women.

Then your newspaper should proceed to show how the word ‘Hindu’ has some inherent anti-reptilian tendencies that led to the extinction of dinosaurs in a retro-temporal effect. The ice-age meltdowns to global warming can rightly be attributed to the word ‘Hindu’. As the word is also associated with weird heathen practices like venerating the tress, digging ponds and wells etc, ‘Hindu’ is also the word that causes ecological disasters. Ramachandra Guha can lucidly establish the relation between the ‘Hindu’ practice of digging the earth and violence. He along with Madav Gadgil can show how creating ponds is actually suggestive of violence against the feminine and thus ultimately was the root cause of Delhi incident.

Now is the time to bring out the queen. The one and only Romila Thapar, the presiding Goddess of Marxist pantheon, can show how the word ‘Hindu’ is anti-subaltern and anti-feminist in a historical context. Then there can be an additional centre-spread interview with the famous demi-goddess of Marxist historiography. Here Prof. Thapar can reinforce in active voice all the sentences she said in the article in passive voice or vice versa. Then should come the inimitable Prof. Michael Witzel of Harvard University. Prof. Witzel has been gifted with the capacity to show in any word or text of his choosing a ‘West to East Aryan migration’. What if that meant at times doing a Piltdown translation job on an ancient text, the ends do justify the means in the end. So he can be pressed into service to pen down an article showing how the word ‘Hindu’ actually has a paleo-etymological root which proves Aryan invasion itself.

Now there is a possibility some fanatical Hindu fundamentalists may question Prof.Witzel. The newspaper should retaliate by employing the services of Steve Farmer, to give the questioning fundamentalists a Witzelian sidekick, as Farmer himself as a Witzel sidekick, has specialized the science of sidekicks. Mr.Farmer can show with ease as well as rudeness to anyone who questions Prof.Witzel, their language is not a true language but only a lingo. As an added stunt he will even announce one million US dollars to anyone who can prove, on the terms of Witzel & Farmer, any Indian language to be a true language and not a lingo.

It is now high time the newspaper should introduce Prof. Sheldon Pollock into the discourse. He can show convincingly how the word ‘Hindu’ is filled with deep Nazi symbolism having its roots in the aggressive masculine nature of Sanskrit itself. The newspaper will be doing a disservice to its readers if it does not utilize the wonderful genius of Meera Nanda. She can show how all the ‘occult superstitions’ of the world have their roots in the masculine nature of the word ‘Hindu’.

After having convinced your readers that the word ‘Hindu’ is synonymous with aggressively masculine jingoism, the time is now ripe to rip apart the overburdening old logo of your newspaper. Prof.Wendy Doniger should be invited to do a Freudian deconstruction on the present logo of your esteemed newspaper. In the logo the cow with the female face is stands in front of a male elephant. This reveals how the logo is the expression of suppressed libido of the one who designed it and even more revealing about those who accepted this as the logo. Lest any culturally illiterate Hindu accuse her of armchair theorizing Prof. Doniger should reveal the depth of her field work by telling her readers that her native informers had revealed to her the name of the female faced cow as ‘Kamadenu’. The learnt professor should tell the Hindus that Kama means sex and hence the cow with a female face is only a sex symbol and nothing else but sex symbol. With a derisive laughter she could tell Jennifer Arul of NDTV-Hindu that ‘Kamadenu’ was the Brahminical equivalent of Madonna or Jennifer Lopez.

While the cow with the female face is shown raising one of its legs the male elephant is shown keeping its leg firmly in the ground. This, by the beard of Freud shows the arousal state of the female and the emphatically male domination over the female sexual expression. Wendy will have no problem in identifying the conch symbol as the camouflaged female genital. The India map shows how in a jingoistic state the female sexuality should be completely repressed. So a series of op-ed articles in the centre should be unleashed to make the readers realize that the current logo of your newspaper is a symbol of aggressive masculine Hindu tyranny over repressed female sexuality. It is just a phallic logo. Now the US resident Biju Mathew of the Forum of Indian Leftists can be asked to start a campaign to change the logo.

With all these the time has fructified for you to interfere as the editor and have your say. You can suggest to the thankful management that a change should be done to the title and logo of the newspaper should be changed befitting the current metamorphosis of the Mount Road newspaper into almost the literal voice of Mao’s Utopia from across the border. Of course the border is ‘disputed’ and the territories are being occupied by Indian supremacist jingoist masculine aggressors. Coming back to our agenda of change, the line ‘India’s national newspaper’ should also be jettisoned. In tune with the great civilizational wisdom of Mao who befriended US to contain the Soviets, your newspaper management too has found in you, respected sir, a radically progressive editor who sacrificed his Indian citizenship and embraced the citizenship of US of America. Befitting this new intermingling, the logo should show the flags of People’s Republic of China and United States of America. This act will definitely take the “aggression out of masculinity” which is the need of the hour. Then the name can be changed from that abominable fascist supremacist ‘Hindu’ to ‘The CHINDU’ and the line below can be changed as ‘Hailed as Mount Road Mao ever since the ascendancy of Comrade N.Ram’. Who else can achieve all these except you sir, the management’s willing executioner the US based editor of Mount Road based Mao.

It is all not just ideological. With such changes there are practical advantages to your newspaper. Anyway you may have to inevitably close office in this despicable land of heathens. But you will be more than compensated by the increase in the circulation of your newspaper in that original fatherland of your mentor, comrade N.Ram, which is People’s Republic of China. Who knows, with rumors of increase in corruption in China your newspaper can even pull out paid advertisements and interviews of those charged with corruption. This may even help your newspaper to get positioned as the only official voice of India recognized by the Communist Party of China. Further now there is a good market in Communist China for learning English. Though the days of the tyranny of good English in your newspaper is over, your current standard and absence of such bourgeois vices like ethical journalism will definitely be an added advantage in the land of Mao.

Lal Salaam comrade editor.

Yours truly,